Written by Hannah Eve
It is of the upmost importance that I present to you, the Reader, this collection of stories about what is about to take place. If by some visionary narrative I can imbue upon your senses the urgency of the times, the fragility of the ages, and the rapidity of the movement of days, you may stop and ask yourself that prehistoric of questions, ‘Why am I even here at all?’.
‘You’re here to listen to my stories Dear Friend’, said Old Chap, as he folded his white handkerchief into his breast pocket.
‘It’s very peaceful today, like the silence before a great storm’
‘When a tsunami is about to hit the land, it has a moment where the water draws back unnaturally, like the final breath drawn in to the dying man’s chest, and then, in an instance, everything comes pouring out the other side, crashing and destroying, decimating everything that was commonly known and regarded as normal. The dying man, breathes out his last breath and the heart monitor makes that shrill and solid tone, doooooooooooooooooooooooooo, the nurse looks on to the helpless family members, for there is nothing more that they can do. They bow their heads and cry. If only they had more time, more time to tell him how much they loved him and admired him. If only they had another chance to say that last thing that they would ever say him. The very fabric of our society is in this last breath, this final drawing back into the great ocean as the seismic shift pulsates the incalculable, watery mass into the shoreline and everything, so regularly existent, is pulverised forever. The worst thing about it is, is that this last breath of society is not caused by natural means, it is but caused by the folly of man. His lunatic disregard for morality, dignity, family-values, goodness, kindness and that greatest of all ordinary words, normality. Altogether, we have given rise to the construct of something completely opposite to all these parts’
‘What will you call it Dear Friend?’
As the two gentlemen made themselves comfortable on the lawn, the summer sun made the air smell of the honeysuckle that bloomed behind them. They smiled at one another and Old Chap replied most earnestly,
‘As it is an abnormality made up by man, I have decided to call it, Construct Abnormality. And if you will be so kind as to listen, I’ll begin with the first tale, it begins in America, with a protest truly unlike any seen before’.
Story 1: The Pronoun Peace Agreement.
United States of America.
The 10 o’clock news broadcast flashes on the screen:
‘The 10 o’clock news is brought to you by Swifter- The new hatchback by Rieko- Life is swift and life is sweet, Brrroooooom! Yes, a big thank you to our lavish sponsors who make this show, the show that just KEEPS ON GIVING! We want to thank them on behalf of all Americans, for their low prices and amaaaazing credit deals!
The time is 10 o’clock, welcome to the News Tonight with my co-host, DEREK FERGERSON and, I’m… KATRIN DALY! Tonight’s top stories: The Council of Foreign Affairs have decided to impeach a new resolution brought into the Davenport Convention, most countries have voted to support the action led by the democrat newbee, Michael Fishhead’
‘What a guy Katrin, and what great, great hair! He really is making waves’
‘That’s right Derek, he does have great hair and there’s nothing quite like a Fishhead to make some waves!’, they both ‘actor-laugh’.
‘Fishtastic Katrin, fishtastic!’
‘Also in tonight’s top stories: We will be talking about the, “Indigenous” tribes of the Wackabobo Rainforest in Portland who have pleaded a case for indigenous rights. Though the group who some have described as, woke, uncouth, ruthless anarchists, actually have no legal ground to be classified as indigenous, the fight still goes on’
‘I mean the rainforest if we can call it that was created, what, maybe 10 years ago Katrin?’
‘That’s right Derek, it was created actually 14 years ago, by the great powerhouse that is Neutron Electrical’
‘Where would we be without Neutron Electrical!? Hey Katrin? I know that I would feel just powerless without NEUTRON ELECTRICAL!’
‘That’s right Derek! Where would we be without NEUTRON ELECTRICAL!? We want to thank our partner sponsors Neutron Electrical for their powerful support. Type in the code Neutron10 on your activation pads for tonight’s top discounts…But now, to tonight’s top story.
Everyone is talking about it, it’s hot cakes across the country, the story that is gripping the nation and causing an international storm’
‘That’s right Katrin, the hot cake we’re talking about is the ongoing battle for Pronouns. Pronouns have decided to fight for complete political freedom from their origin meanings, a statement made earlier this week said, “that they would like to express themselves, exactly as they wish to”
But let’s explain to the public, what exactly is a Pronoun?
Warnerias Wiccamedia describes them as, “words used instead of nouns or noun phrases”.
Pronouns have traditionally been used since the birth of language and are a particularly integral part of sentence structure without such, language would be rather objectively clinical, so to say’
‘Yes Katrin, Pronouns really are pretty neat. Why don’t we go live now to Seattle where our field reporter Tony Carrashaw is speaking with Pronouns at the 2031 Pronoun Peace March’.
‘Yes Derek! Hello! I’m here in windy Seattle and the numbers are just vast, what you can see behind me is at least, maybe one hundred thousand or more Pronouns, marching for their right to become an autonomous meaning, what I am trying to say Derek, is that they want to abolish their current meaning and be given the right to state their own changed meaning. Pronouns are not just rallying in Seattle here, they have met in Washington, New York, LA, it just goes on and on. Truly, we are witnessing the start of a big, big movement’.
‘Wow, Tony, the numbers are just off the chart, can we get to talk to some of the Pronoun protestors?’.
‘Yes, sure thing Derek. Right now I am standing with He, now tell me, He, you’re live on the ten o’clock news, tell the nation, why you have come to this march today?’.
‘Well, you see Tony, I am just sick and tired of always being referred to as He, we live in an age where we have the right as of the common liberty of the American man, to freely express ourselves how we choose and personally, I would not like to be known as He anymore and I should have the right to do as I please, I ain’t hurting no one!’, exclaimed He.
‘Yes, but I mean people are going to state the obvious here, you’re not actually a man, you are in fact, a Pronoun, so do you think this right still applies to you?’.
‘I believe in freedom Tony. I believe in equality and the right to be whoever I damn well choose to be!’. He was indignant.
‘So what exactly would you like to be known as He?’.
‘Well, it’s my right, as a free American, that I hereby be known as Me’.
‘You are you, you mean?’ Tony, not of the most astute of minds, was very confused.
‘No, not You, Me, as in Me’, He smiled proudly and nodded his head.
‘Right…well Derek, as you can see, it seems that I may well get into a few toffee debates here in Seattle tonight as things are getting rather sticky!’.
‘Oh Tony, yes indeed. Tony it seems that He is trying to say something else to you can you turn the camera back?’. Tony turned back to He.
‘And we will do this, we will get our rights just like everybody else!’ The security pulled He back into the protesting crowd.
‘Thank you He, I mean, Me…well, from Seattle, back over to you in the studio’.
The camera comes back to the ten o’clock news room studio.
‘Yes and what a lovely studio we have here, thanks to Reiko Car Manufacturers, we really want to thank them for they are the gift that just keeps on giving!’.
A riotous noise is heard.
‘PRONOUNS FOR FREEDOM! PRONOUNS FOR LIBERTY! WOOOOOOH! WE WANT FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION! FREEDOM OF SPEECH!’
The Pronouns did not stop, they protested all through the night. Films spread across the internet like wild fire on a hot, hot day and soon enough Pronouns were protesting all across the world. Some protests actually became quite violent in certain parts of the world; some had been arrested by the authorities and put in cells overnight. In France the pronoun Tu had started a fight with Vous and both had ended up with serious injuries. Cases like this were being reported all over. Protests, fights, and demonstrations sprang up in every major city, causing in their spread, unprecedented vandalism and pressure upon the city infrastructures. Media reports stated that they did not know when things would quiet down so a special council was drawn up in the United World Government to initiate a plan for immediate peacetime.
The Council of United World Government: Pronoun Peace Agreement Meeting.
‘I do not want to reiterate my last statement but it seems that we have absolutely no choice. This is an opportunity to grow as a peacetime international body. We live in a democratic world; we have to respect peoples’ views. There is no need to be as our forefathers were and suppress the freedom of speech and expression to everybody, including Pronouns!’
‘But…Mr Chairman this is absurd’, exclaimed the Kenyan representive.
‘RAH, RAH, RAH’, shouted the house.
‘Order, order! Please let us have quiet. Mr Oringo, I understand that you may be in slight disagreement with what I’m saying, but the votes are coming in and if the majority rule in favour then Pronouns will, whether you think it absurd or not, have their liberty to redefine themselves however they choose to, this is the modern world’.
‘But… I will say it again Mr Chairman, it is completely absurd! Whatever next, are we to be enforced against our will to use the new meanings if this vote is passed?’.
‘All necessary legal proceedings will be thoroughly detailed in the outcome report Mr Oringo, you know that…hang on, the results have come in, Poodle, put the results on the main screen’.
‘Yes Mr Chairman, Poodle initiating result poll, with a majority rule of 72% of the vote, we are pleased to announce that the house has passed the 2031 Pronoun Peace Agreement’.
‘HURRAH! RAH, RAH, RAH!’.
There was rapturous cheering and clapping coming from among the chairs of the house, though some were not so jubilant as others, but rather they were silent, almost numb in their expression. The few, 28%, held their heads in their hands, shaking from one side to another, clenching the information papers before them in their fists in a quiet rage of disbelief.
The chairman stood up out and shook hands with a few key member countries, smiling and nodding their heads triumphantly. In the lobby outside a large group of Pronouns had gathered and were ready to cheer or to protest once more when they knew the result.
And there they were, He, She, It, Them, Us, and so forth, crying in each other’s arms in utter joy, having just found out that they had won.
‘We did it! WE DID IT!’
But then We stood up and stated:
‘We would like to be known as You from now on’.
‘But that is a first person plural, you can’t change to a first person to a second person’, You said.
‘Fascist!’, We shouted.
‘Hang on guys, we can be whatever we want to be, remember!?’.
‘But what does We mean now that We wants to be You?’, said He.
‘I’m not We’, I said.
‘What are you…I, um, I mean, what are I? What am I?’, Said Them.
‘You are Them, Them’.
‘But who are you?’.
‘I want to be Yours too’, said I.
‘Well this is tricky, you can’t be both?’.
‘But You is We!’.
‘But then who is I’.
‘I am Me now, and I am You’.
‘I is who?’.
‘I am You’, You and Me laughed erratically.
The Ten O’clock News Broadcast:
‘REIKO SWIFTER!! BRRROOOOOM!!! NEW CAR, NEW LIFE!’
‘This is the 10 o’clock news with DEREK FERGERSON and KATRIN DALY, live from Minneapolis’.
‘Good evening America, the news tonight is brought to you by our new sponsor Reiko Car Manufacturer, what a new life you can experience, with a new car!’.
‘Yes indeed Derek, what a new life! We would like to thank our sponsors for really equipping us with the capabilities to report on pressing issues from across the globe! The pressing issue tonight, as we all have heard, the United World Government has passed, what they are calling, the Pronoun Peace Agreement, with a majority in-house vote of 72% to 28%, the bill will come into effect as of next week. Nobody is certain what will happen, but I assure YOU, that WE will find out!’.
‘That’s right Katrin, many people have been open to the idea but some are more hesitant than others. We now go live to Louisiana, to Lawson Springs Night Market. Greg, can you hear us?’.
‘Ah, yes folks, this is Greg Lemons, I’m at the Lawson Springs Night Market, it is a warm, beautiful evening here with new friend and pal, Martha, who sells artichokes and, the most delicious crawfish paste that I have ever tasted. Now Martha please, in your own words, how does the new Pronoun Peace Agreement sound to you and the implicated legal change of use coming into force only next week?’
‘Well Greg…ahem…hee…well….Greg, I am very open for new ideas and I like that we, as a nation are progressive and liberal’.
‘Yes, that’s all very good Martha, ummm, this paste really is delicious, what do you put in it?’.
‘I use a special recipe my Grandma…ahem…hee…passed down to me’.
‘Well, terrific!’.
‘Greg, can you ask her how she feels about learning all the new meanings for conversational purpose, so that she isn’t subject to a fine by the authorities? I mean we don’t have a very long time to prepare being how fast and efficient our great legal system is now’, asked Derek back in the studio.
‘Yes, Derek, certainly. Martha, can I ask you, how do you think you are going to react with the change of pronoun word use?’
‘Ahem…yes, Greg, um, I’m not entirely sure what it all means, like, ahem…hee, I just like that people can be free and be open and believe what they want to believe, ahem…hee, I’ve not thought about it a lot’.
‘So for instance, we are having reports that I will actually be known as You’.
‘Ahem…you’ll be Martha?’.
‘No, no, I will be known as…YOU’.
‘You what!?’.
‘Not You, but I!’.
‘Ahem…hee, I..I..I don’t quite understand what you are saying about Sir’.
‘Hfff, um, Derek it seems to be that perhaps, this is not quite getting into the mind of the populous just yet. What is going to happen here next week, only time will tell, as every state will have to adhere to the strict new ruling of the PMC, that is the Pronoun Meaning Change’.
‘Thank you Greg, great reporting there from Lawson Springs, lovely Louisiana, and my oh my, didn’t that crawfish paste just look deeeelightful!?’.
‘Yes Derek, it looked so good, that I just wanted to jump right into the TV screen and grab myself a bite’.
‘Almost as tasty, I’d say, as our guest sponsor tonight, Berritito Tortilla, try their new tortilla party kit, it is muchos, muchos fantastico!’.
‘Muchos beuno, my amigo!’.
As the week went on with its song of change carried on the westerly wind, its song had become something less of a freedom chorus and more of a whimper. The new law was set in place and anyone using the wrong pronoun meaning, and caught doing so, would be subject to a heavy fine and potential prosecution, with a detainment time of anything up to a year. Poogle had developed a special pronoun monitor with intelligence recognition to alert people when the pronoun was misused.
State Assembly Address from the White House, sponsored by Spore Water, more water, less spore.
President Bartoff addresses the parliamentary committee and board of directors of the UWG.
‘As of tomorrow, we will start a new bill passed in the house of the United World Government to reclassify the meaning of Pronouns. Brought to the house, is the specific guideline change to each Pronoun meaning. The following Pronouns in question will no longer be known as their origin meaning but will be known as the following:
I will now be referred to as You,
You will now be referred to as It,
Me will now be referred to as Mine,
She will now be referred to as Itself,
He will now be referred to as……..’.
The list went on as the night drew dark and people mused over what it all meant in their own daily lives. The president went on further to declare that individual Pronouns were at liberty to describe themselves in whatever way they wanted to, outside of the common rule of resolute meaning change.
People sat in their living rooms biting their bottom lips wondering, what in fact their country had voted in and at what price? Reports were coming in that the Pronoun Peace Agreement would cost the taxpayer an estimated sum of $4 billion.
The days thereafter floated naively by, as Poogle installed millions of Poogle Pronoun monitors across the country. People tried to rehearse the new meanings and felt that it was a progress to true world peace.
‘How current we are’.
‘How accepting and avant-garde’.
‘How…liberal of us’.
Friday 28th April, Pronouns are officially subject to the new meaning change and the nation is enforced to use the new meanings.
‘Poogle Pronoun Monitor, activated’.
The Ten O’clock News Broadcast:
‘NEWS JUST IN! BROUGHT TO IT BY REIKO CAR MANUFACTURERS, AND BERRITITO TORTILLA, MUCHOS FANTASTICO!
Yes…as is correct, um, Derek…um…you… there just getting reports…as… a group of Adjectives have started demonstrating outside of Parliament, wanting, wha…all…um…you can gather…something a…a similar peace agreement to th…whom Pronouns. Apparently, th…many are a few hundred now, from what started as maybe five or ten Adjectives who claim…um…ourselves have many right to a meaning change’.
‘Thank it Katrin! Th…as is really quite startling news…um…y..you are going to a report from Parliament with Mitchell Mallony. Mitch, tell…um…yours about wh…all is happening th…many’.
‘Yes Derek…ee..um…himself is quite shocking how ma…that Adjectives have turned up, th…many are maybe a few thousand now and…a…you saw th…as…um…ourselves would stay theeeer….many until….um…he freedom of expression was also recognised’.
‘Tell mine, Mitch, wha…all is the atmosphere like tha…many?’.
‘I…ah!…Uh no’.
Poogle Monitor: ‘Beeeeeeep. Wrong use of the Pronoun, I‘.
‘Um, eee….um…himself seems to have been cut off theaar, th…many…um…w…um…you will be right back after theeeees…theees…whoever commercials’.
Derek wiped his forehead in great relief at getting through his segment without mistake.
Many adjectives stood waving banners outside the parliament buildings demanding that their voices be heard and that their case tried as it was for the Pronouns.
‘Equal rights for words! Equality for Adjectives! No abnegation to Adjectives!’.
The United World Government:
‘RAH, RAH, RAH!’.
‘You simply cannot let th…whom Adjectives feel like th…um…ourselves a…there being subjugated. Wha..all a shame as w…um…you have come so far to accept and unite th…whom common belief of a…any men. W….ah…You cannot go back now, w…you have to agree to th…he terms and accept tha… many. I want to…’.
Poogle Monitor: ‘BEEEEP! Wrong use of the Pronoun, I‘.
‘Mr Grant, please remove My from the house’.
‘Ah…a…you didn’t mean to do tha…many… i…item…ise..th…whom house bill, you didn’t mean to say tha…many’, spluttered Mr Grant.
‘What is…me going on about?’.
Poogle Monitor: ‘BEEEEP! Wrong use of the word, All’.
‘Ah come on!’.
‘Mr Grant, please remove My from the house’
‘Look members of th…th…whom board, Mr Grant is right, w…you need to focus on…all is important right now and many is respect, liberty and freedom for Adjectives’.
‘RAH, RAH, RAH!’.
‘Members of Whom United World Government, please place yo…they votes’.
‘Poogle votes now in: Whom United World Government votes with a 58% to 42% majority vote to pass whom Adjective Peace Agreement, whom bill will be enforced in two weeks from now’.
‘RAH, RAH, RAH!’.
And two weeks passed by like time is inherent to do, the Adjectives were given the right to freely change their meanings, which made things all the trickier for the speaking people. Some people were so exhausted with the Pronoun Peace Agreement that they could not even fathom that they would have to learn new meanings to hundreds of thousands of adjectives as well. It had also been reported, that Nouns, Adverbs and Verbs had taken to the streets to protest as well.
‘Equal rights for…any…words!!!’.
They shouted in the streets, upon Capitol Hill, in the shopping centres and schools; mass crowds gathered in street squares from DC to Timbuktu, the Words preaching for their freedom of speech.
‘FREEDOM OF SPEECH! FREEDOM OF SPEECH!’.
‘But what happened in the end Old Chap, surely it couldn’t just carry on like this, surely it all went a little too far?’, asked Dear Friend.
‘Well, yes indeed, it did go a little too far, you see, the United World Government decided that they should give freedom of speech to the Nouns, the Verbs, the Adverbs and whoever else followed. They had no choice you see. The ball might have had only started rolling with a little nudge but after that, it took on a momentum all of it’s own. Common language became almost obsolete in its purpose and well, you won’t believe me if I told you?’.
‘What? Go on, tell me’.
‘Well the UWG house was in uproar, nobody could understand anything anyone was saying and meetings were taking almost five to six hours longer as the committee had to go through a great amount of data to work out the new meaning to words.
Almost twenty thousand people had already been thrown into prison as they could not help but use the wrong word when speaking. Fines were coming in as quickly as the snow melts under a hot new sun and things started to become almost irreversibly chaotic. But chaotic didn’t mean chaotic anymore, it meant serendipity and serendipity meant chocolate; because you see, some adjectives had decided that they wanted to be known as nouns and verbs, adverbs, etc. Language became a mixing pot of utter confusion’.
The Ten O’clock Broadcast:
The 10 o’clock news flashed on the TV screen in Martha’s house, Lawson Springs.
She sat crying into a pot of crawfish paste, licking the delicious condiment with her index finger.
‘You….ar…there…fish…night….10…o’parsnip dream’.
The news presenter was sweating, his tie was loose and his co-host was passed out on the desk next to him.
‘You…tartan wish, pen…um….suffer…them….lose king are yule…duty…ah…crumble…toad…mashable target’, he felt desperate. ‘Near…in…door…peel, level…ire..frangible, chutzpah poodle…where…spend glove’.
The news presenter was panting and started to cry.
They all started to cry.
The United World Government started to cry, what could they do? They did not know how to instigate a new bill to overthrow the peace agreements and everyone was exhausted. There was even talk of a potential uprising of the numbers’.
‘Surely no…not the numbers as well!?’.
‘I told you that you wouldn’t believe me, but I’ll go on.
Many were in prison now, or paying big fines, things couldn’t function properly because people didn’t know how to communicate.
Families were torn apart and neighbourhoods were divided. People would often get the wrong impression from someone and fighting broke out. The TV station could never pull themselves together long enough to air shows properly. People stopped going to work; and they wouldn’t admit it, but some of them secretly spoke with the old language when they had found some place that was out of the signal range from the Poogle Monitors. There was talk of prohibition bars called Speakeasy’s where people spoke together like before, but whenever someone was found out, they were paraded around the town squares like they had committed an unpardonable treason against the King.
Because things had lost their meaning, it made people altogether, existential. Some people couldn’t handle the pressure of obsolete meaning and took their own lives. Others became almost animal-like and took to the forest like a scattered herd, going off-grid to live in the wild like feral beasts.
The United World Government almost completely dissolved, until people just stopped using words altogether’.
‘No? They just stopped speaking?’.
‘People were too afraid and too tired. When that happened, the very infrastructure started to collapse, there were riots and looting…people started to destroy everything around them, their property, their belongings, their towns, their villages, their cities, their streets. Everything went from awful to verifiably horrific. Madness spread like a virus.
I won’t describe the end days in too much detail now, but suffice to say it was not pretty’.
‘Excuse the pun, but… My word! What an epic tragedy, so bleak and terrifying, well that could altogether happen to us if we are not careful, or it did happen to us, hang on I’m confused?’.
‘Maybe it is happening, or perhaps it did happen? Something that I am sure of though, is that mankind certainly needs saving from itself before it is too late, you remember the old verse don’t you, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God; all things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made. In him was life and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it’”.
‘Yes Old Chap, yes, I rather like that verse, how wonderfully beautiful, say it again for me won’t you’.
They sat in the dim light, watching the cloud line appear like a lilac sheet of mountains over the ocean bare and wondrous. A small turtle appeared from the trees behind them and wobbled its way down from birth toward a watery perimeter. In its tail followed a line of other small turtles, one by one, hobbling as they went towards the shore, the waves careering gently and effortlessly, again and again in the motion that music is to make.
All rights reserved to Hannah Eve Szczepek Copyrighted 2021.
